As I walked through the lonesome park I felt a presence at my side. A white glow heralded the entrance of an Angel into the material world and I turned and stared in disbelief at the (reasonably tall) angelic-looking man standing before me.

In a booming voice he asked: “YOU’RE DAVID?”

I stood frozen, unable to respond. However, that was indeed my name.

“IT’S REALLY JUST AN ICE BREAKER QUESTION” the Angel began, “I PREPARE BEFORE THESE VISITS; I KNOW WHO YOU ARE”.

I found my voice. “What’s… good?”. Genuinely ridiculous way to phrase the question I really wanted to ask which is “What have I done to warrant a visit from an Angel and was it something immoral?” I have no recollection of a terrible sin I committed in recent times, and even in distant times I was fairly harmless. Wait aren’t I supposed to be an atheist? Maybe he’s here to tell me off for that and set the record straight?

Before the Angel had the chance to respond I clarified: “Am I in trouble?”

“NOT AT ALL, THIS IS JUST A CHECK-IN MEETING”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“WELL YOU SEEM TO HAVE BEEN A LITTLE STRESSED LATELY SO I FIGURED I’D CHECK IN ON YOU”.

“Oh, that’s a relief”

“RIGHT, WELL HERE I AM: TYPICALLY PEOPLE LIKE TO ASK ME QUESTIONS AT THIS POINT TO SATE THEIR CURIOSITY ABOUT VARIOUS TRUTHS ABOUT THE WORLD”

No doubt. My head was swimming with questions.

“How much more am I going to suffer before I die?”

“COMPARED TO WHAT?”

“Compared to the suffering I’ve experienced so far in my life”

The Angel pondered for a moment.

“THAT IS A TOUGH QUESTION. I DO KNOW YOUR FUTURE AND THERE IS DEFINITELY PLENTY OF SUFFERING TO GO AROUND IN THAT FUTURE, BUT IT’S HARD TO DRAW A COMPARISON: YOU’VE DEVELOPED VARIOUS COPING MECHANISMS TO MITIGATE MANY SOURCES OF SUFFERING IN YOUR LIFE, AND SOME OF THOSE MECHANISMS WILL SERVE YOU WELL AS YOUR JOURNEY CONTINUES, BUT THERE’S ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOMETHING THAT PUTS YOU ON YOUR ASS, SO TO SPEAK.”

I was surprised an Angel would use a term like ‘ass’: maybe heaven doesn’t care about profanity as much as I thought.

“FOR EXAMPLE YOUR STRONG FRIENDSHIPS WILL HELP A GREAT DEAL WHEN IT COMES TO PHYSICAL PAIN AND SUFFERING, BUT NEW CATEGORIES OF SUFFERING WILL TAKE YOU BY SURPRISE, AND THROUGH ALL THE STRIFE, AS IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN, MOST OF THE PAIN WILL BE SELF-INFLICTED. THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT I’M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT”

That’s intriguing. “Okay, go on.”

“KNOW THYSELF”

“Right…”. Easier said than done

“DON’T WORRY, I WOULDN’T JUST DUMP AN EMPTY PLATITUDE LIKE THAT ON YOU WITHOUT EXPLANATION”

The Angel cleared his throat.

“SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF DAVID IS THAT YOU HAVE NOT DEVELOPED A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH DISAPPOINTMENT.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “I experience disappointment all the time and I’m not ruminating on it. I take risks that might not pan out, knowing I might be disappointed. I’m not afraid of it.”

“NONSENSE.”

A silence followed.

“THE ONLY RISKS YOU TAKE ARE THE ONES WHERE YOU CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT THERE IS NO ACTUAL RISK. ‘I’LL AUDITION FOR THE LEAD ROLE BECAUSE EVEN IF I FAIL I WILL LEARN A LOT’. WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP. HOW ABOUT ‘I’LL AUDITION FOR THE LEAD ROLE BECAUSE I WANT THAT ROLE, AND IF I FAIL, THAT WILL SUCK’.”

Now he’s said both ‘ass’ and ‘crap’. Though, that is probably the least relevant thing for me to be thinking about right now given that this guy is giving me real talk about my outlook on life

“YOU ARE SO AFRAID OF DISAPPOINTMENT THAT YOU CONSIDER FAILURE AS THE ONLY POSSIBLE OUTCOME, AND YOUR CAPACITY TO WORK HARD DESPITE A COMPLETE LACK OF HOPE HAS MISLED YOU TO THINKING YOU’RE ACTUALLY HOPEFUL. IN TRUTH, YOU ARE JUST PRETENDING. SUCCESS, TO YOU, IS SUCH A REMOTE POSSIBILITY, YOU SPEND NO TIME ACTUALLY ENVISIONING IT, FOR FEAR OF BECOMING ATTACHED TO A FUTURE THAT YOU CANNOT REACH. YOUR EXPECTATIONS ARE SO PESSIMISTIC THAT WHEN YOU DO SUCCEED IN SOME ENDEAVOUR, IT’S SUCH A SURPRISE TO YOU THAT YOU SCRATCH IT UP TO DIVINE INTERVENTION OR RANDOM CHANCE; LEAVING YOU ONCE AGAIN ASSUMING YOURSELF INCAPABLE OF REALISING YOUR AMBITIONS. TELL ME DAVID: IS IT SO BAD TO YEARN FOR SOMETHING WHICH YOU FAIL TO REACH? HOW MUCH PAIN IS THERE IN THE FLEETING MOMENT OF ‘AH, DAMN, I ALMOST HAD IT’. COMPARED TO THE PAIN IN LIVING EACH DAY NEWLY IMMISERATED BY YOUR LEARNED HOPELESSNESS AND PESSIMISM? I AM JUST SICK OF IT AND THAT’S WHY I CAME DOWN HERE, BECAUSE I’M WATCHING FROM A VERY FAR DISTANCE THIS PERSON WHO IS ACHIEVING A LOT AND NOT ENJOYING ANY OF IT BECAUSE HIS FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT DENIES HIM THE FRUITS OF HIS OWN LABOUR.”

I was speechless.

The Angel continued on his (well-deserved) soapbox: “AN ANGEL COMES DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND THE FIRST THING YOU ASK IT IS HOW MUCH SUFFERING YOU’LL EXPERIENCE IN THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. LISTEN TO YOURSELF: YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH BAD OUTCOMES. YOU ARE COMPLETELY DISINTERESTED IN HOW GOOD LIFE CAN GET. WHY? BECAUSE YOU’RE AFRAID TO DREAM. YOUR MODUS OPERANDI IS TO WORK OUT THE WORST CASE SCENARIO, CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN HANDLE IT, AND THEN SOLDIER ON. YOU WOULD SOONER COME TO TERMS WITH SPENDING AN ETERNITY IN HELL THAN ENTERTAIN THE POSSIBILITY THAT LIFE COULD ACTUALLY BE ENJOYABLE. AND ALL BECAUSE THE FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT, OF GETTING YOUR HOPES UP, TRUMPS ALL OTHER FEARS.”

“Okay that makes sense but why? Why am I so afraid of disappointment? Was it something in my early childhood? I feel like I had a pretty normal childhood!”

“BIZARRELY, ALTHOUGH I CAN TALK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE I’M NOT AT LIBERTY TO DISCUSS PAST EVENTS THAT YOU’VE FORGOTTEN OR REPRESSED. CONVENIENTLY FOR YOU, HUMAN THERAPISTS CAN HELP WITH THAT”.

“Okay fair enough but if you can tell me about my future, can you tell me what the therapist and I will end up discovering”

“WELL, UM… THAT’S A GOOD QUESTION. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. I CAN’T DO THAT, SO THAT DOES GO AGAINST WHAT I SAID EARLIER, BUT JUST SEE THE THERAPIST AND I’M SURE YOU’LL MAKE PROGRESS’

“And you’re sure because you can see the future as opposed to it being an assumption?”

“…JUST SEE THE THERAPIST. AND ONE PARTING PIECE OF ADVICE: STAY AWAY FROM STOICISM: IT WAS NOT MADE FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU”

And then the Angel was gone.

“Far out” I said to myself.

Sounds like I need allow myself to be vulnerable to disappointment. Hard to argue against that: worst case scenario I fail and then I’m back to how I am now anyway. Oh wait that last thought was the exact thought pattern I’m now trying to address. Shit. Okay let’s try that again. I… want to become the kind of person who is open to disappointment, so that I can better enjoy the journey.

And if I fail… that will suck.